King Assholio - 🐉 LKL

Once there was an asshole. Preachers would curse as he walked by. Stories in the church proliferated about his sins. This asshole was the incarnation of all assholes everywhere. He seemed to never care. He was such an asshole that people would see him and suddenly curse words they never knew, in languages they didn’t understand. People would see red with rage when they looked at him. Wise men stayed far away, as did the fearful. The mans very own family would rather starve than take one cent from this asshole. He was known for every atrocity known to man. He abandons anyone that he doesn’t double cross, desecrates what is holy and has no discernible interest besides himself. Fantasies about tearing this man up into tiny bits haunted everyone around him.

Assholio wandered through life unaware of his how he got his crown. He knew he earned it, but when? He could feel how others felt around him. He felt like they probably felt the same way about him as he did them. He wondered what was this wedge that separated himself in conflict with everyone.

“Everyone is an asshole and so I have become an asshole, so where are my friends? My friends are all assholes!”, he would exclaim. He meant no harm in his heart though. What used to be anger is now just pain driving him away from what he loves. He longed to be close to others and would try. He had been an asshole so long that others expected to see it. Everywhere the man went he found turmoil. If he wanted a drink there was always another asshole looking for him.

Assholio was an asshole magnet. Every afraid man that wanted to be respected by fear searched him out. If they could beat the biggest asshole, they would be King of the assholes! Without thinking, as assholes often do, being the king may be great, but the path of the asshole is gloom.

Assholio knew he had done no wrong by the other assholes, that was never his intention. He fought for what he valued, and over time that changed of course. When he tried to be friendly he was called a creep, weirdo, and drunk. He pondered his thoughts a great deal. He knew it was an asshole thing to do to call another an asshole. He was quite certain that everyone in the world was a fucking asshole though.

Could it just be an illusion that everyone is an asshole. Obviously if I think everyone around me sucks, I must be the one that sucks. What an asshole thing to do to think everyone sucks.

Assholio was now self-aware and could clearly see all the assholes thinking each other were assholes. The veil behind the illusion is to think that assholes even exist was gone. This brought him great joy and laughter. Assholio went on to meet others that he used to know as assholes. The only ones he knew. Being aware that the word means nothing he walked proudly and smiled at all his fellow people. Calling them people instead of assholes seems more appropriate and he noticed some of them even smile back.

However, men percieved his niceness as sarcasm, and his smiles as contempt. He would get back the greetings he was used to. “Good morning!”, he’d say. Then he would hear beautiful responses like “Fuck you!”, and “Bugger off!”

Assholio decided to go into a bar. This was never a good thing for him to do before. Assholio always liked coming here. In his youth he was a regular. They used to call him regular asshole, but it was still good to be back in a place where everyone knew your name.

He walked into the bar with no hostile intentions. As he bounded down the few steps strangely placed in front of a door in a bar, he exclaimed, “Cheers!” Everyone responded with, “Hey Norm.” They called him normal asshole now, for short it was Norm. Some sort of asshole disrespect since everyone now knew he was the king. Asshole kings get little respect, in fact you show dis-respect to get the title and show reverence.

Soon after ordering a drink, he caught the eye of a cowboy down the bar. Assholio smiled and waved at the man, but he kept staring at him, glaring into his soul.

Assholio wanted to help this man who has obviously followed a similar path as he. He walked over to the man and bought him a drink. The man tossed the drink into his face and cursed, “I aint drinkin’ any drink from any asshole!” Startled by this, Assholio thought of himself. He wondered how he had felt when he was this asshole.

Maybe everyone needs to see what an asshole this guy is being. Would it make it any better for men to learn how this man is dangerous, can’t be trusted, will fly off the handle at any moment. He is a hot-head and we should lock him away.

Assholio, went right for his pistol, stood up and fired it into the ceiling. Almost hitting the guest in the upstairs room, but assholes have no apologies. He declared, “Everyone take a good look at this asshole, see how he has treated me when I only come in peace. You see, I am no longer an asshole, God has set me free. Furthermore I am tired of assholes so fuck you all!”

Not to be out done by such an asshole, especially one that would say God himself has given him a blessing. To simply resign his title as King Assholio? What kind of an asshole hides behind God?! The biggest asshole of course. The cowboy was vindicated as king of the Assholes, and divinely crowned as such by his next actions.

The cowboy went for his pistol as well, firing shortly after clearing his holster. So low in fact he shot off Assholio’s dick. It was a surprise to everyone, even the cowboy. The cowboy was a true asshole, and no one questioned his new title as they watched him smiling while Assholio slouched, then fell slowly to the floor.

Assholio was not the first King. He walks among assholes to help them in their foolish search for their karma. If you follow or look for Assholio you soon will be surrounded by assholes. You will find them right where you are at. To your horror you will one day look into your very own mirror and see that you look just like all the other assholes.

Today no one is certain where the king of the assholes is. Some say he is still a cowboy somewhere in Kansas. Legends from far off lands tell of him riding with Genghis Kahn, others say he has been in Australia after a short visit to Hawaii. What is certain is that you can find him right where you are at. The crown of Assholio is only fit for an asshole, and none of them can help but want it.

  • 🐉 LKL